"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars, points of light and reason. ...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason, for anything."

~ Edward Cullen

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Review: My Horizontal Life

Title: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One Night Stands
Author: Chelsey Handler
Pages: 213
Rating: 1/5

In this raucous collection of true-life stories, actress and comedian Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand.

You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool.

Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty. Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning (Cover Blurb).

Let me just start this review by saying, I love Chelsey Handler. I watched (and will again when I don't go to bed at nine) her show Chelsey Lately every night before going to bed. She always can make me laugh, and I've never been disappointed in her comedy. And then, I read this book.

This was the LOOOOONGEST 213 pages I think I have ever tackled in my entire life. If I didn't have this weird thing where I have to finish a book, I would have wall banged it a long time ago. This book took me over a week to read. I couldn't wait to finish it. I was so disappointed.

I knew this book would be raunchy. Handler's comedy often is, and that was fine with me. However, it was just plain stupid. And almost bordering on disgusting. I cannot imagine why anyone would want to advertise how many people they had randomly slept with. I know, I know, the title should of been a warning. I should of seen the caution light when I picked this one up at Borders. All I can say is that I was obviously doped up on cold medicine at the time.

Plus, I don't think this book showcased Handler's comedic ability at all. I laughed once while reading this. Maybe I'm just not funny anymore, or don't appreciate humor like I used to but it didn't do anything for me. It certainly wasn't like Jenn Lancaster's books. Or Laurie Notaro's. With those, I go running into the living room, reading passages out loud to my husband, while I snort and gasp for air and pee my pants all at the same time because I'm laughing so hard.

I'm pretty sure I won't be giving "Are You There Vodka? It's Me Chelsey" a try next time I'm at the bookstore, and this one is already pending with someone on Paperbackswap so its off to a new home, where possible it will be loved.


Katie said...

I think this is the one of the most entertaining reviews I've ever read! haha. I haven't read the book (and definitely won't now), but I just found your reaction to it really amusing. Maybe YOU should be the one writing a book instead of her!! :)

Helga Marie Bee said...

I love Chelsea, but I am pretty sure this is a book I will skip.
However your review was awesome, and hilarious. Thank you!

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